Day at the cricket with David

Yesturday David went to the cricket. He even had a go himself!David Hasselhoff - Australia's new coach?Cricket Australia have moved swiftly to appoint David Hasselhoff as their new head coach following a successful induction day at the Sydney Cricket Ground.Faced with the problems of trying to get Mitchell Johnson to bowl straight, picking a new spin bowler every match and having to pretend that Steven Smith is a Test all-rounder, the beleaguered Antipodean outfit have taken drastic action to halt an alarming slump.Hasselhoff, best known for his roles in Knightrider, Baywatch and Well-Refreshed Man Just Trying To Eat A Hamburger And Wishing His Daughter Would Get The Hell Out Of His Face, is charged with reshaping Australian Cricket from top to bottom.“I just can’t wait to get started,” said Hasselhoff. “I took batting practice with Shane Warde earlier and we had a blast. That guy has got some incredible ideas about chest wigs and we are going to make a lot of money together.”There was some initial bemusement from the crowd at the Sydney Cricket Ground at the sight of the 58-year-old American playing cricket with the Aussie spin great.“Some wiseass shouted out ‘look at that preposterous leathery old lothario’,” said Hasselhoff. “I said to the guy ‘that’s no way to speak to Shane, he’s a goddamn legend’.”Hasselhoff’s first task was to meet the players who will be under his charge.“They are a great bunch of guys,” said the actor. “I told young Mitchell Jonestown that I played a guy called Mitch in Baywatch.”“He looked a little confused, I guess,” admitted Hasselhoff. “He just kept saying ‘But my name is Mitch. I am not a lifeguard. I am a bowling attack leader’.”“I stared to tell him about the talking car, though, and that seemed to catch his imagination. For some time, actually.”Hasselhoff robustly defended his qualifications to be the head coach of an international cricket team.“Have I played a lot of cricketball?” he asked. “No. But nor have some of these new drafts into the Oz team. Look at Mick Beer and Young Stevie Nicks. We are all in the same boat. I am sure we can all learn together.”Hasselhoff, who arrived in Australia fresh from a stint alongside Louie Spence in the London panto season, insists he has the motivational keys to unlock Australia’s potential.“I’ve been in Peter Pan,” said Hasselhoff. “I’ve seen how they go on in England. Guys dressing up as girls. Girls dressing as guys. Constant arguing about who did or didn’t do a bunch of stuff. These guys are there for the taking, like the German pop charts were in 1989 when we put out Looking For Freedom.”And Hasselhoff revealed that he has already implemented a morale-boosting strategy for the Aussie team.“Of course, every goddamm comedian has to shout out ‘Where’s Pammy?’,” complained the star. “I thought to myself ‘where am I going to find a well-stacked blonde bimbo to swan about on the beach and hold a pose for the cameras?’“So I am pleased to introduce my new co-star, Shane Watson. We are going to do great work together.”Source: telegraph